My first comparative analysis of the parenting contrast between paler and browner people came to me through MTV’s Worlds Strictest Parents. For those of you that never came across it, the story line was pretty much some wild white children being shipped off to an African or South Asian country to acquire some ‘discipline’ and become more aware of their privileges. All the cringeworthy stereotypes aside, it always struck me how much more I related to the brown people’s shock whenever one of the banished problem children would cuss or yell at their hosts and how the style of parenting that MTV viewed as ‘Worlds Strictest’ was standard to me for the most part. While it is highly unlikely that all Africans had the same childhood, I will attempt to highlight some of the similarities I have observed in my years of experience as an African child – those I see as greatly beneficial and the ones I would rather end with us.
Speaking of generalizations, were all our parents really first in school all the time? How must that result list have looked? One long horizontal line of number ones? Yeah right.
We (by now you’ve gathered I’m on the browner side of the spectrum) are culturally very serious about good manners, presentability, and respect for people generally and elders particularly, beginning with our parents. This is one of the more beautiful things that has been drilled into us – a sense of obligation to and honor for our communities, families and those who are older than us. This value system, while not completely faultless, has made us warmer, more considerate people. We treat everyone in our relational proximity as family: close family friends where I come from are “auntie” and “uncle” and their children are obviously my cousins. There is so much to be gained from this inescapable strength of community, but am I a horrible person for aspiring to unsubscribe from ‘black tax’?
Children are such a central part of the African mindset, with many communities ascribing legacy, the quality of family and even wealth to the number of offspring they produce. One thing about our parents – we are their pride and joy. The levels of sacrifice and commitment from them to the provision of our every need, our development and success, sense of pride in ourselves and where we come from and the instilling of courtesy and respectfulness is truly commendable. It does sometimes feel like all this good home training came at the cost of openness, intimacy and emotional support and availability in our families – the place we need it the most.
In the same strain of hectic parenting is the avoidance of any remotely difficult or awkward topic. Turning any mention of drugs, sex, dating or family drama into clearing throats, deviations and timely exits from whatever space we were all in. Most of us ended up picking up our initial knowledge of sex and sexuality, drugs and even deep family traumas from the literal streets and other unchecked, questionable sources – from magazines, the internet and our equally clueless friends if not in an academic form from a teacher trying to get through the syllabus (honorable mention to those exceptional educators that genuinely cared). The responsibility to acquaint us with some of these topics lies first with our parents before it does with the education system. I think we would all have benefitted from receiving some guidance on real life beyond vague anecdotes and treating any slightly uncomfortable conversation as an unmentionable, undoable taboo. Heaven forbid you ever called them out on a skillfully avoided topic or pointed out that something they did hurt or harmed you. Not many of our parents gave us the idea that our emotions were valid, or that theirs weren’t inherently more important because they were older, smarter, raised us and catered to our material needs. Yes, your parents can be toxic, selfish and unreasonable – they are human after all, but so are you – and your feelings are as important as anyone else.
How many anecdotes of exactly what children need did we hear from older (the wiser part is always questionable) family members? What they needed to eat, wear, speak like and even how they should think. I have no doubt all this sage wisdom was well meaning yet it overlooked an essential part of parent-child and human interaction generally – adapting our approaches to the uniqueness of each person. This is especially crucial for children whose formative stages should be inclined to factoring in the best of their rarity and developing a sense of self, independent thought and the important awareness that we all are one of a kind. The uniform and standardized tactic does increase efficiency in terms of reducing the time and effort it takes to tailor parenting methods to each child, but it is also more harmful than beneficial.
Speaking of generalizations, were all our parents really first in school all the time? How must that result list have looked? One long horizontal line of number ones? Yeah right. The often-unrealistic expectations African parents have of their children are as impractical as the one line of number one’s they have tried to fool us into buying into. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong believer in the pressure creates diamonds ministry, but surely there’s a limit. The idea that we can all be well-behaved, academically thriving, great at art, music, sports, active in a religious institution, come home and do all our chores, homework and some extra study and then transform into degree holding, married before thirty, making lots of money, supplying grandbabies and attending all family functions adults is unrealistic and bad for your mental health and skin. It is pure bad vibes not because any of these ends are harmful in themselves, but because we may not all want this cookie-cut expectation of how our lives play out, nor should we. Conforming to these pressures at home morphs into conforming at every level of society – it is simply unsustainable.
Here’s what you may not have heard at home but you will hear here – its ok not to be ok, not to want the things the world deems as acceptable or praise worthy, not to have your life together (whatever the hell that means) at a certain age, not to have a degree, get married or have children and even to disagree with your elders and parents. It is all more than ok. Some of you may be wondering on what authority I’m giving all these parenting hot takes having been a parent to sum total of zero children, but I have seen what I have seen and I said what I said. All things considered, good parents (I say this as a cumulative assessment, because bad moments are just a part of all our lives), are a treasure. We can’t thank you all enough for every sacrifice and effort to make us who we are today even when we didn’t always agree with the methods. Thank you, truly and from the bottom of our hearts, for teaching us what to do (and what to avoid at all costs).
– Natasha Teyie