GUIDE TO ADULT FRIENDSHIPS

When most of us hear the word relationship we are more inclined to think of a romantic relationship than a platonic one. The word has been carefully moulded around romance that it comes secondary in its relation to friendship. Platonically, relationships have barely been explored beyond the surface of their impact as romantic relationships have, perhaps this is why many of us tend to get hurt by friends. It is easier to assume what a friendship should be based on the definition of the word, but it goes beyond assumption and relies heavily on communication.

At one point in our adolescence, we were warned that the state of our friendships we knew to be wouldn’t last forever. I remember being in assembly, sat amongst my girlfriends when I heard that statement for what seemed to be the first time, and would only come to understand it years after those same friendships were severed. After years of questions from myself and mutual friends trying to make sense of the situation, it dawned on me that I was talking to everybody but the people it concerned, and that was the real problem. I’m no expert, but adulting has taught me a few harsh truths, one being accountability.

Navigating any relationship in adulthood doesn’t come easy, but I do believe it is time we extend the same courtesy to our friendships as we do with our romantic partners, because the one thing they have in common is that they are relationships, and relationships need to be cultivated if they hold any value to the individuals concerned. I place emphasis on these two types of relationships as we make the conscious decision to have these people in our lives. While with familial relationships we can still choose whether to associate ourselves with them or not, we can’t dictate the circumstance that place us with them as compared to platonic and romantic relationships.

When things go awry in a friendship people tend to resort to ghosting rather than communicating. Why do we reserve seeking closure in a romantic sense and not a platonic one? They both differ in what is required from them, but they both hold value and that should count for something. Knowingly or unknowingly I believe we place a lot of expectation on the outcome of a friendship, but what are you doing in return to be entitled to your expectation if the foundation for the friendship hasn’t been verbally set? Sometimes assuming a person’s intentions through their actions leads to miscommunication, and as a result conflict may arise.

As a result of this conflict people tend to go their separate ways, almost never to hear from each other again. However, going your separate ways doesn’t mean you can’t come back to each other again. It is possible and sometimes necessary to grow out of the relationship to learn to grow back into it. If not, to at least understand the end of the relationship without bitterness towards it, and this realisation tends to come from a place of introspection. We are not in control of every aspect of our lives, but we are in control of how we respond and react to the changes.

As we grow out of the mentality that shaped our primary and high school relationships and into a more mature state, we learn that categorising friendships becomes necessary, boundaries need to be set. The roles we play in peoples’ lives need to be defined. A relationship is an exchange in whatever form you define it to be. You will give and you will take, and the other person will do the same. Sometimes it will be more than the other person and sometimes it will be less than the other person, so long as you find a balance in order for the relationship to work. A common misconception with friendships is feeling like you owe the person, or they owe you because of how much you’ve done, or they’ve done. As a giver it is painful when your efforts are not recognised and as a taker it is easy to overlook that without understanding the sacrifice. However, if you are willing to put yourself in either position do so with regard towards the other person.

We may not like it, but we have to face that we are journeying into the expanse of adulthood where there is no set rule book on life. Responsibility is a hard pill to swallow, and it isn’t by force that you make someone else accept this trope. Friendships require work, and that work comes with a change. As long as people can adapt to the change without taking it personally, the friendship has room to last. If not, don’t stunt an individual’s growth based on your attachment to what was. It is important to maintain a sense of individuality in all this to not become too dependent on another, because the truth is people will let you down, just don’t let yourself down. If this conversation is uncomfortable it needs to take place for the relationship to be comfortable.

– Naserian Koikai