Fellow Kenyans,
The time when politicians promises are sweeter, their political jabs are faster and wittier, and the pep in their step is discernible is upon us. It is unofficially officially election season.
Kenyan politicians are cursed with the unfortunate luck of never knowing the campaign period is over. As such, Kenyans have had the extreme displeasure of living through a never-ending election cycle, particularly in the past four years. We went from the 2017 elections and re-run into the BBI process. Just as we are emerging from that, we are being thrust into another election period.
Ensure that you have a manifesto but as mentioned above, make sure that these are just political statements that can be gently massaged away or replaced with an even larger promise that you won’t fulfil.
This could count as progress for a country that once used the Mlolongo System for voting and was authoritarian. However, it is doing the absolute most, especially since the cost of elections in the country are amongst the highest in the world. Plus, the rules and regulations that are put in place are often disregarded or not implemented.
Fellow Kenyans, as political pundits, news outlets and others speculate on the potential presidential pairings and potential outcomes of the elections, they are failing to offer us a guide on how to make it in next years elections.
As such, it is my duty to expound and share the knowledge and wisdom I have gleaned and ensure that those who are trying to secure a nomination ticket are knowledgeable. To ensure that you have a seat at the table, here are the things you must do:
- Announce your candidature prematurely
They say the early bird gets the worm, and in politics, the earlier you declare your intentions, the quicker it is for you to be on everyone’s radar. This ensures that every time they will see you, they will think, elections. Even if it is two years too early.
Your early candidature should also include audacity, the bold audacity that men often use when telling ladies they are the only spot in their chapati. Politically that audacity involves being in office and telling the electorate that you don’t know how things can get this bad. It consists of making political promises and going back on them and acting as though those things never happened or that it was simply the work of dark forces.
Most importantly, it involves politicians favourite thing, flouting rules. We’ve seen them hold public gatherings despite the Ministry of Health’s guidelines to curb the spread of COVID-19. In fact, you don’t have to look too far for an example of how to behave; the very person who mentioned politicians being arrested was part of the nationwide rallies that were contravening the health measures put in place. Channel that energy.
- Ensure you have questionable integrity
Corruption allegations, murder or assault charges should not stop you from living your best life as a politician. In fact, if your character is dubious and your integrity is questionable, look no further than a career in politics.
Don’t be intimidated by Chapter 6 in the Kenyan constitution that tackles Leadership and Integrity. Many have gone into public office and have not had selfless service based on public interest in their hearts, as stipulated in Article 73. Many state officers have behaved in a manner that does not avoid compromising any public or official interest in favour of personal interest or demeans the officer’s office as laid out in Article 75.
Who are you of questionable morals not to lead this country into disaster?… sorry, that should read greatness.
- What are women?
Forget about women. If you are one, my apologies. As we all know, women don’t exist in this country, so they and their rights must be ignored. It doesn’t matter that the ⅔ gender rule was established to ensure that women would be represented in office. Or that the Political Parties Act of 2011 stipulates that parties must comply with the gender requirement set by the constitution before they are registered. That is all just noise and goes back to step one of flouting rules. Especially if you look at the recent development of citizens finding themselves unwillingly and unknowingly registered for political parties, which should make the threshold political parties have questionable.
Ignore women.
That’s why Members of Parliament know how to be anywhere but Parliament when it is time to enact legislation that ensures implementation of the ⅔ gender rule. It’s also why between 1963 and 2012, Kenya elected around 50 womenin Parliament and currently only has 19% of women parliamentarians. Who are we to go against the wisdom of our forefathers who told Ruth Habwe, the first woman to vie for an elective seat, “to go back to the kitchen and cook for Mr Habwe’s children” and later suspended her from KANU for contesting without the party’s mandate.
- Manifesto? More like I am manifesting oh.
To truly succeed in politics, forget about your manifesto and manifest oh. Kenyan politicians and political parties have some really interesting manifestos. They articulate the issues facing people and outline the various things that the candidate plans to do to alleviate Kenyans problems. The implementation part, that’s for Kenyans to manifest.
Ensure that you have a manifesto but as mentioned above, make sure that these are just political statements that can be gently massaged away or replaced with an even larger promise that you won’t fulfil. As you work on your manifesto, fellow Kenyans, make sure you also manifest the power and office you seek. It’s what your fellow youth are doing nowadays. However, if that doesn’t work, a direct deposit with a hefty sum into a bank or Mpesa account that can be traced to you will really work wonders for your nomination. If you follow these steps and are not successful, the other option is to consult a witch doctor, and hopefully, your pathways will open.
Fellow Kenyans, the key is to make sure that Kenyans across the country wake up and wonder, how else the government can make my life hell today? And somehow, find a way to top it.
– Beverly Wakiaga